I *AM* Worthy
:: WARNING THIS POST IS EPIC::
This is going to be a *LONG* post (but there's video entertainment!) so you might want to settle in with a good cup of tea or coffee, and maybe get your tissues out. I'm about to get a wee bit philosophical in a way that is a little different than my usual crafty, knitting, recipe sharing blog posts, so bear with me people!
Firstly, as a birthday present to myself, I bought two tickets to go see Trey McIntyre Project, a dance company. The performance marked the group's premiere as a full time, year round touring dance company, and it took place at Jacob's Pillow. Now, for the non-dancer folk reading out there, let me enlighten you about something. Jacob's Pillow is like MECCA for dance. If there was a heaven on earth, for me, it would be Jacob's Pillow. Jacob's Pillow Dance Festival is the oldest continually running summer dance festival in America. The property itself is situated on an old farmstead in the middle of the stunningly beautiful Berkshires in western Massachusetts. There are two indoor theatres, one outdoor stage, a summer dance institute, library, free performances, etc, etc. Thousands of people flock there every year to see and experience high quality dance.
Here is an excerpt of one of pieces that I saw "The Reassuring Effects of Form and Poetry", Choreography by Trey McIntyre:
This was the last piece in the show and that short clip does not even begin to do it justice. Trey McIntyre is a genius in my eyes. He is using classical ballet technique, something that can be misunderstood as antiquated and stodgy, in a way that that is current and accessible. He moves dancers about the stage like a great artist moves his brush across the canvas.
I felt so blessed to be at that show, to have the opportunity to see great dance. For the first time in a long time, I cried during the end of the performance. I was so moved by what I saw on stage that I just lost it. When I was younger, this used to happen to me every time that I went to go see a professional dance performance. I was so excited and flabbergasted by great dancers' technique and control, I'd just sob my little heart out with joy. Now that I'm older, and I've seen so much wonderful dance and world class dancers, that it takes more than just stellar technique to bowl me over. This bowled me over.
Trey stepped onstage to take a bow with his dancers when the show was through, and I cried tears of joy for him. I felt so proud for what he had accomplished, and I also felt jealous.
What he is doing is exactly what I've always wanted to do with my life.
I get e-mails from Janice Taylor, who wrote Our Lady of Weight Loss, and the latest one contained an interview with someone that had survived through Hurricane Katrina. Like many of the survivors, this woman had turned to eating out and junk food as a coping mechanism, and subsequently had gained quite a few pounds post-Katrina. One of the quotes that really resonated with me was this:
"I am a musician, so you can well understand that music is very important to me; part of my every day life. I didn't think of myself as depressed, yet for an entire year I had no desire to sing or play my instruments. I was too tired to even listen to music. And I wasn't taking good care of myself. The feeling was 'what's the use?"
This is how I've felt about dancing for the past few years. In November it will be three years since Matt and I lost our baby boy, Liam. We both certainly had some dark times, as anybody would after such a tragedy, but I don't think that I would ever refer to what I've gone through as depression. I'm a generally happy, positive person, and life had to go on and did go on. But my life is very different now than it was before. I spend more time wishing that I was dancing and choreographing, and not actually dancing and choreographing.
Why?
Shame. I have felt ashamed of my physical appearance. Most of my best friends are dancers and have abs that you could bounce quarters off of. I accepted that pregnancy would change my body and I have abs that look like cottage cheese! I gained sixty pounds, I have lost only ten. I have no child to show for it, and a ruined instrument as far as dance is concerned. I've felt ashamed, because I've failed big time. I don't blame myself for what happened, I'm way beyond that stage of things, but I do blame myself for not doing anything about it.
However, like the musician, I don't think I've been able to do anything about it. I really don't. It is not a matter of diet, because I eat very healthfully, but it's a matter of exercise and mental determination. Moving the extra weight around has made it physically challenging and even painful for me to dance, or do much of anything for that matter. The weight has aggravated old dance injuries and created new ones. I'm so sick of it! I've used those things as excuses for far too long. Pain certainly never deterred me back in the day when I was training. I remember that my mum came to visit me at dance camp, one summer, and my toes were so blistered, my muscles so fatigued, that I had to hold on to the wall or a railing every where that we went. And what did I do? I got up the next day and danced for eight hours. And the next day and the next. Because I loved it!
The embroidery above was featured on Feeling Stitchy and I thought that it was very appropriate for how I'm feeling. I've had a personal epiphany. I shouldn't give a damn about what I look like. My husband doesn't. My family doesn't. My friends certainly don't. The only person that's kept me from doing what I want to do in this life is ME. I'm tired of getting in my own damn way.
One of the things that precipitated this post/epiphany was the following video from Suzi Blu over at YouTube. She's a mixed media artist, but her inspirational videos carry a message for every one. You don't have to be an artist to appreciate the things that she says.
Watch this:
So what if I wear sweatpants. XL at that, *GASP*! I live in suburbia. I'm a dancer, I'm an artist, I'm NOT a sham anymore and I'm freaking worthy!!!
Now...I know these things. Let's see if I can apply it.
My goodness, that was even longer than I expected. If you read all of this, you're a trooper, and if we knew each other in the real world, I would hug you!
Today I'm grateful for taking small steps, towards big dreams. I am grateful for Suzi Blu, for inspiring me over and over and over again.
This is going to be a *LONG* post (but there's video entertainment!) so you might want to settle in with a good cup of tea or coffee, and maybe get your tissues out. I'm about to get a wee bit philosophical in a way that is a little different than my usual crafty, knitting, recipe sharing blog posts, so bear with me people!
Firstly, as a birthday present to myself, I bought two tickets to go see Trey McIntyre Project, a dance company. The performance marked the group's premiere as a full time, year round touring dance company, and it took place at Jacob's Pillow. Now, for the non-dancer folk reading out there, let me enlighten you about something. Jacob's Pillow is like MECCA for dance. If there was a heaven on earth, for me, it would be Jacob's Pillow. Jacob's Pillow Dance Festival is the oldest continually running summer dance festival in America. The property itself is situated on an old farmstead in the middle of the stunningly beautiful Berkshires in western Massachusetts. There are two indoor theatres, one outdoor stage, a summer dance institute, library, free performances, etc, etc. Thousands of people flock there every year to see and experience high quality dance.
Here is an excerpt of one of pieces that I saw "The Reassuring Effects of Form and Poetry", Choreography by Trey McIntyre:
This was the last piece in the show and that short clip does not even begin to do it justice. Trey McIntyre is a genius in my eyes. He is using classical ballet technique, something that can be misunderstood as antiquated and stodgy, in a way that that is current and accessible. He moves dancers about the stage like a great artist moves his brush across the canvas.
I felt so blessed to be at that show, to have the opportunity to see great dance. For the first time in a long time, I cried during the end of the performance. I was so moved by what I saw on stage that I just lost it. When I was younger, this used to happen to me every time that I went to go see a professional dance performance. I was so excited and flabbergasted by great dancers' technique and control, I'd just sob my little heart out with joy. Now that I'm older, and I've seen so much wonderful dance and world class dancers, that it takes more than just stellar technique to bowl me over. This bowled me over.
Trey stepped onstage to take a bow with his dancers when the show was through, and I cried tears of joy for him. I felt so proud for what he had accomplished, and I also felt jealous.
What he is doing is exactly what I've always wanted to do with my life.
I get e-mails from Janice Taylor, who wrote Our Lady of Weight Loss, and the latest one contained an interview with someone that had survived through Hurricane Katrina. Like many of the survivors, this woman had turned to eating out and junk food as a coping mechanism, and subsequently had gained quite a few pounds post-Katrina. One of the quotes that really resonated with me was this:
"I am a musician, so you can well understand that music is very important to me; part of my every day life. I didn't think of myself as depressed, yet for an entire year I had no desire to sing or play my instruments. I was too tired to even listen to music. And I wasn't taking good care of myself. The feeling was 'what's the use?"
This is how I've felt about dancing for the past few years. In November it will be three years since Matt and I lost our baby boy, Liam. We both certainly had some dark times, as anybody would after such a tragedy, but I don't think that I would ever refer to what I've gone through as depression. I'm a generally happy, positive person, and life had to go on and did go on. But my life is very different now than it was before. I spend more time wishing that I was dancing and choreographing, and not actually dancing and choreographing.
Why?
Shame. I have felt ashamed of my physical appearance. Most of my best friends are dancers and have abs that you could bounce quarters off of. I accepted that pregnancy would change my body and I have abs that look like cottage cheese! I gained sixty pounds, I have lost only ten. I have no child to show for it, and a ruined instrument as far as dance is concerned. I've felt ashamed, because I've failed big time. I don't blame myself for what happened, I'm way beyond that stage of things, but I do blame myself for not doing anything about it.
However, like the musician, I don't think I've been able to do anything about it. I really don't. It is not a matter of diet, because I eat very healthfully, but it's a matter of exercise and mental determination. Moving the extra weight around has made it physically challenging and even painful for me to dance, or do much of anything for that matter. The weight has aggravated old dance injuries and created new ones. I'm so sick of it! I've used those things as excuses for far too long. Pain certainly never deterred me back in the day when I was training. I remember that my mum came to visit me at dance camp, one summer, and my toes were so blistered, my muscles so fatigued, that I had to hold on to the wall or a railing every where that we went. And what did I do? I got up the next day and danced for eight hours. And the next day and the next. Because I loved it!
The embroidery above was featured on Feeling Stitchy and I thought that it was very appropriate for how I'm feeling. I've had a personal epiphany. I shouldn't give a damn about what I look like. My husband doesn't. My family doesn't. My friends certainly don't. The only person that's kept me from doing what I want to do in this life is ME. I'm tired of getting in my own damn way.
One of the things that precipitated this post/epiphany was the following video from Suzi Blu over at YouTube. She's a mixed media artist, but her inspirational videos carry a message for every one. You don't have to be an artist to appreciate the things that she says.
Watch this:
So what if I wear sweatpants. XL at that, *GASP*! I live in suburbia. I'm a dancer, I'm an artist, I'm NOT a sham anymore and I'm freaking worthy!!!
Now...I know these things. Let's see if I can apply it.
My goodness, that was even longer than I expected. If you read all of this, you're a trooper, and if we knew each other in the real world, I would hug you!
Today I'm grateful for taking small steps, towards big dreams. I am grateful for Suzi Blu, for inspiring me over and over and over again.
Labels: dance, grief, pregnancy loss, suzi blu, weight loss
posted by Geek+Nerd at 1:27 PM
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