June 16,2006 7:55am:

Exhaustion

Today I'm contributing this picture to the WIP pool. Hopefully I'll be able to post photos of this to "Finish What You Have" in the near future. I don't know if these projects will be done before the wedding. Pictured on the table is one dress in cutting mode, and a few bonnie bands cut out ready to be sewn and embellished.

Speaking of embellishments and pretty things, has anyone else picked up the new issue of Adorn Magazine? I'm excited - it's lived up to my expectations. Finally some projects that are...well different! I haven't perused the entire thing yet, but so far I really like the part of the issue that copies a runway dress in a crafty manner, and Kathy Cano Murillo is a contributor and I'm newly obsessed with her work. It's fun all around - go pick up a copy. (And no I don't work for Adorn Magazine, HA! Maybe someday though!)

I've been kind of lazy to post because of the wedding craziness going on here. I've also been getting up every morning to walk with Matt, but today I just couldn't do it. I'm exhausted. I just wanted to wake up and relax into my day. And he's still sleeping anyways.

I've been rather upset lately over the state of my body. A few days ago, when I finished the drop stitch vest, I was so excited and I donned it immediately and dressed in a cool-ish outfit so that Matt could take finished pictures for my blog. He exclaimed that they came out well and I rushed to look and it took about three seconds for me to burst into tears. We don't have a full length mirror in my house and this was the first full length body photo I've seen of myself post-baby...

It looked like a before I went on Jenny Craig picture. Seriously. This is not me. And I'm frustrated that I'm getting married, and the one day you're supposed to be the most gorgeous thing on the planet, this will still not be me. I want to change, but today I am tired. This woman that used to dance six hours today is too tired to even think about a 20 minute walk.

I think that the wedding is stressing me out a little bit, but also I've been thinking a lot about our little boy lately. Liam would be seven months old on Monday if he were born alive. I can't believe that. When something so tragic like that happens to you - it just stays in your heart. I feel like I was in the hospital two days ago the wound is so fresh and yet time has just slipped on by.

I've hit a road block in my life. I miss my old self and I'm not quite sure how to get her back. I'm sorry for the sad/not too crafty post, but sometimes I need to just capture this stuff down in writing. I know that it will be okay someday and I've already come miles since November 18/19th - the worst two days of my life - it's just...hard.

Matt suggested that we go to the cemetary to visit him before we leave to get married. I instantly began crying at the thought, but I think that it's a good idea. I haven't been - I don't even know where he's buried. It might be nice to go and say hi to our peanut, and let him know that we miss him and love him and that we're doing okay, that we're going to get married and have other babies, but he's always going to be the first. Always.