April 3, 2006 7:38pm:

Bird by Bird

I am one of those people that detests daylight savings time. I relish it in the fall when I get to sleep an extra hour...but this whole spring forward thing makes me feel like I'm in a coma all day!

I have so many projects up and running right now that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I've talked about this with others and part of it I attribute to the loss of our baby. This is true for me, and I don't know about for other moms out there in the blogosphere, but when you are pregnant, without realizing it you focus your life on preparing for this little being to come into the world. And for me, after eight months of preparing for our little guy, when he didn't make it, I feel like...well, what do I do now?

It's getting better, but in the beginning every task seemed enormous. Things still seem enormous even though the tasks are getting bigger and more complicated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is hard to get back to life when something this major happens, but it's always better than the other option.

I picked up a book from my parents' attic a few weeks ago, and I just started reading it again. Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott, is a book about creative writing, which I've been longing to try my hand at again, but also it gives some very practical advice on life. I'd like to quote a paragraph from it that is inspiring me right now:

"So after I've completely exhausted myself thinking about the people I most resent in the world, and my more arresting financial problems, and, of course, the orthodontia, I remember to pick up the one-inch picture frame and to figure out a one- inch piece of my story to tell, one small scene, one memory, one exchange. I also remember a story that I know I've told elsewhere but that over and over helps me to get a grip: thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds wrtten that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."

I think that's one of the best mottos that I could possibly have right now. I have been trying to tackle my projects - one at a time so that everything feels a little less enormous - this is a picture of a shirt that I made myself on a whim - and I felt cute for the first time in months. It is slowly getting better and I'm starting to take pleasure in these little happinesses.