One year

I've had many happy things that I could have wrote about in the past few days, and even at this very moment I am feeling relatively happy, I can't conjure up a happy post without mention of today and yesterday.

Today is my son's first birthday. He would be one year old today had he been born alive. For anyone just coming to this blog you can read Liam's story here.

I have felt this weekend looming upon me for weeks. Yesterday I looked at the clock at 9:30 am and thought, this is the moment one year ago when we found out that our son, our first son was dead.

There are so many things that I haven't done during this year that I've wanted to do. Aside from all of the joys of having an infant that we have missed out on, I have not visited his grave. I don't even know where it is, to be honest, as I haven't been to the cemetery since the day that we buried him. I have not developed the disposable camera that contains pictures of the few hours that we spent holding him in our grief. I know that I have to develop it soon, but I am so frightened that some camera lackey will accidentally destroy the only visible evidence that our baby existed.

This year has been so filled with great joy and devastating sadness. I have not cried today, and I didn't cry yesterday. I have cried oceans this entire year and these days, that I thought were going to be so hard, weren't as hard as I thought that they would be. I miss this little being that I carried with me for 35 weeks every day, but life goes on, because it has to.

Maybe I'm rambling...but I just had to say something about it, because if I can't hug him and squeeze him on this day at least I can think about it.

Happy Birthday Liam Michael Cost, my angel baby, I still miss you more than anything.